A couple of months ago, seeing as I am now firmly middle class, I was listening to Radio 3 during the daytime as one does, and whilst reposing in the lounge I came across an episode of some typically unimposing BBC radio podcast hour thing that pricked my attention. It was the sort of show where people call in with a whimsical query and the hosts with their rising intonations spend out 5 minutes postulating on a guestimate in response. The question this time was: Are there more Irish pubs in Ireland itself, or more abroad? While even the most basic of research would have thrown up my name as the individual best positioned to attempt to answer this query, they just asked the BBC resident Irish man instead. This amateur announced, using some bullshit randomly thrown together metric, there were over 6523 Irish pubs in the world outside of Ireland. I stopped in contemplation, supping thoughtfully on my Raspberry and Mint herbal tea. Having thus far visited 55 out of said 6,523 pubs, I have effectively visited 0.82% of the world’s Irish pubs. These, it appears are rookie numbers in this racket. If I  continue at this rate, to reach all of them, using maths and divination (I’ve been doing this for 6 years, so 9.4 pubs per year …….how do you visit 0.4 of a pub?), it will taaaaaakkeeeee…… .627.2 years. Critics and basic maths would suggest it is, in fact impossible. 

But I never had much time for maths (ever since I was sick the day we did long division in school and never recovered from there). So, thoughts turn to driving up that number! I had just read modern classic Drive your Plough Over the Bones of the Dead by Polish Nobel prize winning author Olga Tokarczuk (Middle-class!). So why not Poland? And if Poland, it must be the jewel in the crown, Krakow!

Now, on that radio show, they asked the oft-heard question “What makes an Irish pub?” They ask another charlatan who claims to be an Irish pub expert who also isn’t me, the owner of Sean’s Bar, the oldest pub in the world in Athlone , Co Westmeath. And for someone who lacks the poise, clarity, finesse and perspicacity of the Publican Enemy brand , he does give a good answer , mentioning this holy trinity : Ceol, Caint agus Craic . Note he didn’t mention small sharing plates. I myself would add you can smell an Irish pub, years of Guinness overflow soaked into carpets that assails you on entry. Now, as this is in Irish, Ceol refers to music, caint means talk and craic is craic. Caint is perhaps the most interesting addition to the criteria and one that you can’t really quantify. More of this anon.

Krakow has a much storied history which makes it right up my Straße .Krakow was supposedly founded by the amazingly titled King Krak, which henceforth will be my nom de guerre. King Krak defeated the evil dragon Smok, who terrorised the town and is now commemorated in stuffed toy form across the city. Krakow was capital of Poland for centuries prior to Warsaw, and due to trading routes the city became wealthy, a centre of learning with one of the world’s oldest Universities , the Jagellonian. The beautiful old town has the largest square in Europe, while the Silk trading hall which once dealt in the finest of commodities known to man now sells the aforementioned stuffed toy dragons and fridge magnets for the post- Communist -free -market tourist hordes. Also in the square is the impressive St Mary’s Basilica. On the hour, a trumpet song rings out from the main tower, until it is abruptly cut short, supposedly to commemorate when the trumpeter was arrowed through the throat by Tartar invaders in 1320. Rumours abound he was about to play a rendition of Hallelujah next, so no harm done.

Krakow is a wonderful city of history, art, science,  learning and 3 Irish pubs, so it should do nicely to get those numbers up. The first one I encounter in the old town is “Irish Pub Pod Papugami” which I mean, for fuck sake make an effort lads. I don’t even go in; I know what’s going to happen here. The bar has an indoor smoking part, and all the reviews say the service is shocking. There’s an old adage that you shouldn’t judge an Irish pub by the exterior of the Irish pub, but just look at the door. Jesus H Christ almighty in heaven. Quality over quantity.

Located nearby to the old town, high up on a rocky outcrop is the fairy-tale Wawel castle , wherein lies the intriguing Wawel Chakra, one of the world’s actual chakras where the energy of the globe can be felt most prominently !!!!! The chakra has divided …chakra experts(?) as no one knows exactly what it is or why it is or exactly where it is . On closer inspection, the explanation for this phenomenon can be broken down to one of the following, so delete as applicable:

• Literary metaphor
• Metaphorical source of positive terrestrial radiation
• Metaphorical source of spiritual forces
• Pure bullshit

Why here, you’d have to ask. Well, why not? Krakow has been a centre of learning since Copernicus’ cosmic chicanery with the earth revolving around the sun and all that. The nearby salt mines must bring a host of energy to the region- like some sort of giant hippy rock salt candle. Definitely worth a day trip by the way, just outside Krakow, it must be the saltiest place on earth, where you can spend the day sampling some of the massive shafts! A few of the miners in their spare time (!!) carved out entire cathedrals of Rock hundreds of metres deep, along with salty effigies of local-boy-done-good Pope John Paul II. This is probably the most I’ve seen JP2 outside of rural Ireland.

Back to Wawel Castle, me and Bella decide to do a vibe check for ourselves and try to tap in to that Krak’ Chak’. After some shuffling about, we find it in the courtyard. The chakra wall isn’t exactly radiating mystique I have to say , covered in grubby hand prints and to the untrained eye could easily be mistaken for your everyday white wall . They don’t have any notification either to tell you it’s one of the worlds chakras , on account of Catholicism etc , which means it definitely must be ?! Look at these pictures and decide for yourself! How much do I believe that here, beside the tourist information office sign is one of the sacred life force points of the globe? , Well, spend a good 5 minutes pressed flat  against  that wall , then probe and prod it some more before  leaving ,only to come back and  give it one last hug for a few more seconds. Probably best , in retrospect, to take the whole thing with a pinch of salt.*

(*Please note, I stole this line from the salt mines tour guide who delivered it in his driest most- Polish delivery)

Just as you can feel the positive energy emitted from the earth’s several chakras  you can just as easily also feel the shitty vibes of a crap pub. So it goes with Ronnie Drews Irish pub in the Old town. RONNIE DREWS has a cool logo and lovely art inside and I really wanted to like it, but this can’t hide the pure sense of dread coming off the place. For starters, when you come in, you are led to a table by your server, and the whole place is just lined with tables, mostly full of English tourists all watching some premiership game of no consequence. Drinking off the main squares in continental Europe is usually a no-no , so we swiftly drink our half pints . Bella says her main memory is a man picking his nose. Grim. 

Not to be put off, there is still one more option- in the old Jewish district. According to James Joyce,  the Jews and the Irish had much in common: “in being impulsive, given to fantasy, addicted to associative thinking” so we might be on to a winner here . Krakow was the centre of centuries of European Jewish culture, until it was more or less completely wiped out in about 2 years by you-know-who. Yet, there is a recent resurgence of Jewish culture in the neighbourhood of Kazimierz. Kazimierz was the historical Jewish district until the Nazis drove everyone out to the infamous Krakow Ghetto further south. The area lay mostly underdeveloped until the late 90s , but has since enjoyed a rebirth and now is a fantastic hub of speakeasies, eateries , synagogue/ museums and dimly lit fin-de-siecle housing blocks. It’s a less commercialised Shoreditch, a less pretentious Kreuzberg, a more nostalgic Mittel Europa Bray, a real treasure trove.

In the centre of Plazy Nowy is a seemingly never-closing ring of Zapiekanka booths, flogging the finest Polish Pizzas , born of Communist 1980s sparsity but arguably the finest drinking accompaniment there is – half a baguette, cheese , mushrooms and anything else you can literally imagine with ketchup and mayo. I declare my solidarity with the Zapiekenka, and these are some of Poland’s finest. I love them with all my heart.

DUFFYS in Kazimierz is a more real proposition, and certainly smells like an Irish pub. It’s dark and dingy and has GAA shirts on the wall, so first glances it checks out. So we get a decent pint and go down to the cellar. Now, earlier we talked about the 3 Cs being the key to a great Irish Pub, and this is where Duffy’s slips up at the last. On either side of the cellar room are two massive TVs, one showing a random Spanish League game, the other a random Rugby game. The screens dominate, so you end up watching them both even though you couldn’t give a flip who wins either. There’s a guitar-guy playing acoustic in the centre competing with the TVs, and far be it from me to hammer a guy trying to sing a few tunes, but were he to be hit by a tartar’s arrow mid-song, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen. So, I had high hopes for Duffy’s, but it’s not the kind of place you can go for a secretive candle lit pint and chat. Kazimierz has so many superior bars in close proximity, such as the fantastic Alchemia bar which has character  , fresh pints and a free DJ set in the basement. So, Krakow is indeed a fabulous city,  strikingly good value with good chakra vibes which exceed all expectations. The Irish pubs here, alas, are only making up the numbers. Which, by the latest calculation is 58/ 6523 !

*I managed to get through the whole article without resorting to “Craic-ow”( if you forget about the bit where I called the article King Krak.*)