Estonia’s got Tallinn-t!

When you think of Estonia, you probably immediately think of former prime minister Ado Birk, or pop sensation Tanel Padar, or maybe Sumo wrestler turned politician Kaido Höövelson, or perhaps the national dish Muglikapsad or Lake Peipus, the largest trans-boundary lake in Europe. Or you might not.

Estonia’s fame doesn’t exactly leap out at you. As part of the extensive research for this trip, a quick google of “Estonia + famous” was needed to fill the gaps. One of the first things to come up was a quote attributed to booze-hardened-pugilist /wordsmith Ernest Hemingway, who supposedly said ‘In every port in the world ,at least 2 Estonians can be found”. Enlightening. I also read that James Joyce allegedly claimed Estonians were” better drinkers than the Irish” but I couldn’t find a reliable source for that one apart from the Huffington Post. (On an amusing side note, I did however read a hilarious anecdote about the boozed up antics of Messrs Joyce & Hemingway, staunch drinking buddies while living in Paris. Legend has it that when the two would go on the lash , the weedy Joyce would act the big man in front of the local toughs. Then, when it was all about to kick off, Jimbo would hide behind the ample frame of his buddy and yelp ” Deal with him Hemingway!!”, an image and phrase that gives me enormous satisfaction.

Back to Estonia! For me , there were only 3 things I knew about Estonia before this trip. First, as a dedicated flags-man, Estonia’s tricolor must be up there among the finest ; the Oreo-esque Blue, Black & White of the Sinimustvalge( literally blue-black-white). The blue is for the sky ( classic), the black for the soil ( I thought maybe for their bread?) and the white for hard work; A far far far improvement on the flag imposed on them 1941-1944 ( have a look on Wikipedia. yep, its that one)

Second , Estonia is one of the few nations smaller than Ireland , at only 1.5 mil people, and is a majority atheist country. Only 16% believe in organized religion, while a whopping 69% believe trees have a soul . I scarcely believe Cork people have souls, so fair play. Estonians were the among last pagans of Europe, converting in the 11th Century- only the population of Bray were later, circa 1983. Such a land of godless heathens must be a hot bed of inequity and lasciviousness , you might think? Not so! With their abundant saunas, pristine, graffiti-free UNESCO heritage Old Town and infants toddling about in snow romper suits, they are the epitome of civility and the arts. Some choice Estonian Master works include, for example, this chair having a wank ( ‘Morning Wood, surely?**) and the medieval masterpiece, the Dance Macabre , a memento mori concerning the inevitability of death regardless of standing. Slightly more poignant than a Banksy that reminds us that Capitalism is bad.

About this time, you’d usually be expecting me to draw comparisons between the 2 great nations of Estonia and Iirimaa (Ireland in Estonian) . You may well be thinking ”he can’t possibly tangentially align the two, given Estonia’s low key air of mystery.’‘Well, smart-arse , fret not. For like Ireland, Estonia is made up of 2 main diverse groups of people , Estonians and ethnic Russians. And like Ireland, their near neighbours controlled the place for decades leading to mucho- existing tension. Culturally, Estonia is closer to neighbours the Finns , with whom they have lots in common .And historically, they were a Germanic trading city with guilds and all that assassins -creed type bizness, so its ultimately a mix of Germanic, Scandi and Eastern European influences. But from 1944-1991, it was the Socialist Workers Paradise of the Estonian Soviet Socialist Republic.Not by choice ,mind.

Fast forward to independence in the 90’s, much like Ireland , they also had an economic boom- the Tiger Leap or Tigrihup. While in Ireland the government made everyone at school learn the tin whistle, in Estonia they decided it would be pretty handy for everyone to learn The Internet, which turned out to be a good shout. I predict big things for this ‘internet’. Skype was invented by Estonians as well as Uber -botherer Bolt, and they also have e- citizenship but i don’t understand what that is so its less impressive.

Other similarities include:

• Their national dish , the lovely Wierworst, which is essentially black pudding in sausage form.

• Fine Baltic Porter , stronger and fizzier than the Irish variety

• Declaring their independence in 1918, but like us their nearest neighbours weren’t having it

• Regaining independence with a Singing Revolution, which is quite an Irish thing to do .

The third thing I knew about the concept of Estonia goes back to my Uni days in Galway. One day in 2004, a statute appeared on the main thoroughfare of Galway City called the 2 Wildes , featuring flaneur- in-chief Oscar and his lesser known Estonian equivalent, Eduard Vilde. ( -should’ve called it Wilde Boys, but each to their own). How this statue came into being stems from Estonia’s pre-eminent Irish pub in Taartu, where the proprietor , in the spirit of cross cultural bros-manship, built the first incarnation outside his pub, with the Irish government reciprocating. Let it not be said that Irish pubs are an irrelevance in the face of global democracy , cross-cultural cooperation and general brotherhood of man.

Statues around these parts are a thorny subject. In 2007, the Estonian government decided to move a Soviet Era war Memorial /grave from a prominent central location to a low key location outside the city . In what became the Bronze Soldier affair, serious riots orchestrated by Russian youths broke out around the statue. Shortly after, Estonia coincidentally became the victim of the first ever government orchestrated cyber-warfare attack by an unknown foreign agent that could literally have been anyone. Sure, it took place during the largest Estonian -Russo disagreement in decades, and sure, they found evidence of instructions on how to carry out denial of service attacks on Russian forums, and sure , in 2009 Sergey Markov , a Duma state deputy said BEGIN QUOTE ” about the cyber attacks on Estonia..don’t worry , that attack was carried out by my assistant” END QUOTE , but still to this day it remains a mystery. Hmmmmmmmmmmm

The ill will still lingers. One museum in Tallinn excellently offers free entry to “persons unlawfully persecuted by powers that have occupied Estonia “ which I tried to use on the off-chance the Brits had been here but alas to no avail. Since the Ukraine War, public sentiment is clear in relation to their nearest Eastern neighbours, with Ukrainian flags as common as Estonian ones.( Irish flags come a close third). The Russian embassy is flanked by police and elaborate protest posters the length of the building. They also have a Soviet statue graveyard where you have your Lenins’es and your Stalin’s saved from the skip and stuck out of town far from their original pomp.

But what of pubs? All in all there are 4 Iri Pubs here (as they are known), all in the beautiful UNESCO world heritage old town which is an absolute beaut with its intact city walls, medieval towers and unfortunately named Kiek in the Kok museum, which is a sight for sore eyes. You can’t leave Estonia without sampling a bit of Kiek in de Kok ! Yes, you and your family will never forget Kiek in de Kok!

One such pub is Shamrock Karaoke Bar, more of a Soviet war bunker than a pub and about as Irish. I took a picture outside during the day, intent that this is the closest I’d get , yet fast forward to 1AM that same night and there we are singing karaoke with a group of Hungarian students. Heading to the fine main square, most tourists will end up in Olde Hansa , a medieval restaurant so committed to the bit they don’t even have spuds cause they haven’t been invented in ye olde times. To the sound of some geezer playing the lute, one canst partake of the finest fayre of deer and bear, where 10% service charge can be bequeathed to the service wench in pieces of silver or by magic card. They do a funky cinnamon beer, that starts off delicious and ends up sickeningly.sweet. Prithee tis a shame m’lord.

Just across in the perma-christmassy main square is Mad Murphy’s, the politically incorrect second floor boozer. Mad Murphy’s is a textbook Irish pub, lots of screens, live music and pretty much the best pint you can get in Estonia. Depictions of balding , middle aged leprechauns festoon the walls while they have a less Irish but very elaborate dragon candle holder. Mad Murphy’s is surprisingly good for a pub off a main square, which is usually a no-no, like going to a restaurant with all pictures of the food for people who are too thick to imagine what spaghetti might look like and need a visual prompt

Not appearing at all on the map as an Irish pub at all is Kennedy’s , which sounds like the most Irish but is not quite sure what it wants to be, coming across as a gastro bar type thing. Despite all the tricolor bunting and the picture of Hozier, it seems too sedate to be an Irish pub . That said, for a quiet drink and a conversation , it works as a venue ,and I kind of get used to it..The final venue is The Dubliner. Set up by Estonia’s largest pub chain, Old Villem , they also have a Scottish Pub and a Bavarian Pub, covering all bases. To describe the Dubliner, I must defer to their wonderful website blurb, presented here verbatim from their website and making more sense in the original Estonian:

“When you walk into this places you will find the large and challenging logos of Guinness and Jameson at the door, and a fun and moody mood will welcome you in the hall. In the true Irish Pub there is a free and consensual manner, in addition to the selection of beers AND napkins suitable for an Irish pub”

How could you resist? The Dubliner is a nice spot, busy , with attentive pint table service but it lacks that Irish pub magic that comes from with a facsimile of a pub. To find the finest and most ‘Irish in spirit’ pub (apart from the Depeche mode bar) is one we come across by accident. Valli Bar is a historic memorial, unchanged from its origins in 1990. Like a Japanese Izakaya, you have 1 room, 9 stools around a horseshoe bar, a guy playing an accordion and the local house shot- the Jellyfish- sambucca, tabasco and some third unrecognisable liqour. This is the only bar in history where I’m physically manhandled in the door in a comical way by a friendly drunken Estonian- I had only come to look in the window but he literally drags me in and we stay. It’s a pub for the ages- little sandwiches under clingfilm, bar man in little waistcoat, and populated by aul lads and the finest political minds.

While there might be 2 Estonians in every port, there are about 4 Irish pubs in Estonia , so we win .Some were Irish in name, some in branding, some in mere suggestion. Still, as we have seen , an Irish pub beats a Kiek in de Kok any day of the week.