Pub visiting is a hungry business- and when abroad I am wont to venture to the culinary extremes. For 2024, on the menu we have a big ole slice of the US, a sliver of Portuguese fancies and Ireland’s contribution to piss-head cultural fusion. Alongside the many pubs, here are the unsung supporting heroes of Publican Enemy, – its the Publican Enemy End of Year Pub Awards , ( or PEEYPA’s) – ”Best Bar Snack:” 

IN LAST PLACE , IT’S : Biscuits n’ Gravy , Arizona

Imagine this. You’ve spent your whole life , in thrall to Americana, just waiting for an opportunity to say those words. You just need the motive and the opportunity. On a 9 hr cross state drive, you stop off for your main meal of the day at the Black Bear Diner , somewhere in Arizona . The cheery waitress approaches, and without missing a beat, you say ” I’ll get some of them Biscuits and Gravy missy , and throw in a side of hash browns , won’t ya darlin’? “

Just like in the films. 20 minutes later, the dish arrives. Its two scones covered in what appears to be solidified grease. With a decorative slice of orange. You realize, in order to make time, this is the only meal you will have. You weep silently, as you poke the greased up scone and pick at the crumbs . Everyone else has ordered normal food. Never can Yanks make fun of black pudding , or Sunday roasts. This criminal aberration will live long in the memory. And sadly in the burp system .

Number 9: THE Dodger Daaaaawwwwwwg , Los Angeles

The dodger dog is a comestible of myth and legend- served at the home of the LA Dodgers. Imagine, if you will , a normal hot dog, served in a bun , with mustard and ketchup.But more expensive. That’s the dodger dog. Class.

Numero : 8 The World’s most ostentatious Sarnie – The Francesinha: Lisbon

Unlike biscuits n gravy, the Portuguese show us how to do greasy well. The Francesinha, (or Little Frenchie in English , which sounds stupid) , is the least French meal ever. It’s a sandwich, with a litany of meats: sausage, ham, steak, chorizo, potentially crocodile, zebra , all constructed like a cheesy Big Top with an egg and slathered in a beery tomato sauce. Its intimidating, it defies the laws of man. And its delish. The one served in Lisbon’s Timeout market is a gentrified, petite version but you can’t gentrify a Francesinha. Like putting silk on a a goat.

Number 7: Tex Mex* : The Southwest

Tex Mex, or TexicanMexican, is a fusionary cuisine of the American Southwest that has gifted the region with the possibility of getting vegetables into their diet. Much like British Chinese, this culinary mongrel has a bit of a bad rap. It’s not authentic Oaxacan cuisine, nor is it trying to be. Consisting of such delights as breakfast tacos, migas, chimichangas and another 99 inventive variations of the taco. And all they all work.

Number 6 : Oysters at The Cow , London

Guinness and Oysters are a powerful combo- but where did this unlikely partnership stem from? Knowing the Guinness brand, probably from their savvy marketing men from the 50’s, who probably spent a day going through all the possible combinations – ” Guinness and Sea Cucumber? ” Yes /No? ”. Whoevers idea it was , time has proved them right. You can enjoy these strange bedfellows in West London’s The Cow gastro pub. Where a crab invites you for a drink.

Number 5: In n’ Out burger , LA

A slice of Americaness that doesn’t disappoint , Cali’s In and/ or Out burger is a piece of culinary theatre. Not that the food is extraordinary , it’s just the whole thing is an ode to a bygone California, with its funky retro signage and dudes wearing little paper hats. In n’ Out can only be found in the Western States too, which adds to the mystique. 

Number 4; Protestant Taytos;  UK

Northern Irish Taytos are like elements of certain Northern Irelanders themselves. Compared to the Southern variety, there are some differences in the packaging and iconography, some variations in preferred colours, but ultimately they are far more similar than different. Underneath the packaging, sure aren’t we all the same!?!

If one were to delve into said iconography, we notice a subtle but important difference in the depictions of the Tuberous Tycoon himself- Mr Tayto. The Republican Mr Tayto is giving gangster/ Free State Fianna Fail man, ( Free Stayto?) who can depend on your -vote-good -man -yourself. The Protestant Mr Tayto looks distinctly more…….. Protestant, his affable spud head and no-doubt- booming voice assailing you as he vehemently describes the crisp-making process with a passion misplaced by outsiders as aggression. Most pubs in England post Brexit probably find it easier to get the Northern ones, which is one post Brexit bounce we didn’t see coming. And I love them as if they were my own. Especially the beef ones.

Number 3: The Spice Bag: Austin, Texas

There is a certain genre of food that exists at the crossroads of immigrant culinary know-how and and the wanton desires of the late night, pissed up locals .In Deutschland,they invented the Doner kebab;in the Netherlands you have the Kapsalon( or hairdresser),essentially a kebab on chips (they love their chips) and finally with their trademark poise and grace, the Aussies love the Halal Snack Pack ( more kebab on chips).In Ireland, our contribution to this illustrious gastronomy of the damned is the Spice Bag, forged out of our deep love for the Chinese take away that is as far from Chinese cuisine as all the aforementioned franken-kebabs. The spice-bag became big back home in the past 10 years; since I’ve been in London all that time, I never had the chance to sample it. Until , bizarrely in Austin , Texas of course!! Now, I know there’s finer fayre to have in Austin ( see number 1) , but hungry after trawlin’ the streets and trying on cowboy shirts, curiosity got the better of me and I gave in, breaking my rule of never eating at the Irish pub. Totally worth it .

Number 2: Pastel de nata , Belem, Portugal

I wrote at the time:

 To have a pastel de nata in Belem is like one of those experiences where you have the thing in the place from where the thing comes from. I was poised to be disappointed – nothing in life is as good as the hype demands, and yet these are a transcendental experience, fresh from the ovens where they’ve been churning them out by the hundreds for centuries. I did wonder if Portuguese people say that natas don’t travel, or if they never order a nata outside of Portugal because they don’t know how to pour the custard.

Number 1: Texas BBQ, Austin

I have a lot of time for food rules. Italians will have loads of them- no fish with dairy, no chicken on pizza . To make a Valencian paella , you can’t just throw in mcnuggets or kimchi or tonka beans. Neither willy nor even nilly. For sushi, you have to eat the nigiri in one go, no taking bites. And you have to take 3-7 photos of your Guinness before taking your first sip. 

For Austin BBQ, in this case Terry Blacks, there isn’t a beef burger, nor ketchup nor mayo to be found in the whole premises. Such things would be treason. Why would you drown out the natural flavour with a sugary syrup ? Also , there’s no chips!? Instead you’ve got a range of salty sides, green beans, corn bread and bizarrely sweet creamed corn. When at the BBQ, you join the queue stretching out the door and watch all the frenzy going on. When you get to the front, you are faced with the conundrum of imperial measures, and if like me, you are unable to convert to the beloved metric system in your head in time , so you’ll manically order heaps of pork, brisket and comically an entire cow rib, like something out of the Flintstones. But once you taste it, all thoughts of sauce fade away. To this day, I still think about this meal. Once you’ve had Texas BBQ , dairylea lunchables just can’t cut it no more.